"I've seen a lot of things, but I have not seen a lot of other things." Ah yes, the introspective lyrics sung by a young John Cougar, prior to his insistence that the record company actually use his real name and drop the whole predatory cat thing...especially since it had been quite some time since a cougar was found in Indiana. Still, he was a man with vision, and though these lyrics were among his more primitive, I find myself hearkening back to them as I hit the 40 year old milestone.
I guess taking a few minutes to look back on that which I have seen it apropos to this occasion. I guess this occasion is an apt one for looking back on what I have made of my life...or what my life has made of me. I enjoy looking back on the events and circumstances that have made me what I am, that have formed my actions and reactions in life. I am fairly secure with just WHO I am, or rather, who I THINK I am...otherwise, this would be both painful and futile.
I am a person who follows the rules. I suppose I have my parents to thank for that. I am a person who cares deeply about how others are affected by my actions. Should I inflict anguish upon another, I would tend to suffer tenfold within my own mind. I am a person who loves his family, and who is proud to say he loves his family. I am my father's son, my mother's son, and my sister's brother, and I am exceedingly thankful for each of them. I am deeply ensconced in the idea of romantic love, a feeling that somehow took root in my soul the moment I got to know a girl named Michelle. I am not mechanical, actuarial, or even economical, but I appreciate those who are, and find those with expertise in those areas to be my intellectual superiors. I am a person who can transform feelings into words. I am a person who can transform words into feelings. I am a person who loves to learn about the past, and enjoys the juxtaposition of history against modern times. I am a person who lives a very ordinary life, but secretly longs for much, much more. I am a person that needs security, yet wants to escape. I am a person on the move, but my pace is slower now. I am a person that has come to realize that longer is better than faster. I am better suited for distance. I am a person who strives to find physical limits. I am a person who believes that finding those limits is a key to defining self. I am a person that does not fear pain or death, because...I am just a person.
What has happened that has made me the person I am? Defining moments...like the first time I went fishing with my grandfather. Or, the first time I scored a goal in soccer. Or, the first time I ran a 5k with my dad. The first time I really hurt my mom's feelings. Perhaps the first time I really appreciated the incredible talent of my sister. I have a very good memory for those moments...I can still picture them in my mind like it was yesterday. The horror of moving away from my friends into a new neighborhood in 4th grade. The agony of being bullied in my new school transposed against new found stardom on the soccer field. The freedom and exhilaration of riding a Jet Ski...oh how I lived for that! The choice of running over soccer...my first REAL life-affecting decision. The triumph of crossing the finish line at cross country nationals in first place. The soul-crushing goodbye to my girlfriend at the end of my senior year. The agony of keeping that relationship alive for four long years, and the ecstasy of making it though with the realization that the "feeling" of love was indeed, the real thing. The overwhelming feeling of being able to define who I was to an entirely new peer group in college. The beginning of life as "us" instead of "me." The knowledge that my best friend is by my side. The search for...the future. I think about it every day.
Have fun every day. That is what I live for, that is what I do. I want to push my limits, and eventually, I want to break out of the mundane. Increasingly, I do not want for riches. I do not want for material things. I want to find richness in every day...in living a life where time is merely a guideline, as opposed to a structure. I will get there, and I will have fun along the way.
So...here is forty. Its just a number, so they say. Indeed it is, but it is also a pretty good time to slow down and take a look around to see what life has wrought. I know I can do this...and smile.
